Squid Pro Quo

End of the year post

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 04:27:49 GMT

I feel the need to do some sort of reflection on 2009, since EVERYONE ELSE is doing it, but I'll keep it short. This year was scary, exciting, and exhausting. I got sicker. I got surgery. I got better. I got sicker again. I finished my thesis. I moved.

Generally, I am afraid of the future, but this year I am hopeful. I hope the bad things change and the good things remain. I hope to be happy. I hope you all are happy. I know I don't have much reason to hope, yet I do. Here's to 2010.

[Picture post] Ray

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 06:35:39 GMT

I found a pillow I made when I was a kid, and I didn't know what to do with it, so I gave it to Ray.

Finals and French poetry

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:53:58 GMT

My first final was yesterday, my last is tomorrow. I spent all weekend frantically studying for yesterday's (bio) and now I'm exhausted. It was four hours long and quite arduous and grueling, but I think I did okay. However, my brain is broken today. I'm surprised I'm able to form sentences.

When my mom came to pick me up yesterday, she gave me a piece of paper with a little French poem on it. I liked it very much, so I thought I'd share. It's called "The Cat and the Sun" by Maurice Carême.

Le chat ouvrit les yeux,
Le soleil y entra.
Le chat ferma les yeux,
Le soleil y resta.

Voilà pourquoi, le soir
Quand le chat se réveille,
J'aperçois dans le noir
Deux morceaux de soleil.

The cat opened his eyes;
There the sun entered.
The cat closed his eyes,
There the sun stayed.

And so, in the evening,
When the cat awakens
I see in the night
Two bits of sun.

God damnit god damnit.

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 16:27:05 GMT

I have a final on Monday, and another on Wednesday. Last night, my other kidney stone decided that it was time to start coming out.

Outfits

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 00:35:05 GMT

Outfit #1:

Polka dot dress, with vertically inclined stockings from sock dreams.

The bracelet is one of my corsage bracelets, which sold well this year.

Showing off the socks. I really love them. I got a lot of compliments/attention that day in class. My friend said I looked nice and asked if it was my "special day." My French teacher even said "Melissa, tu es très chique au jourdhui" and so I told them about the show. They came by, and my French teacher bought two things as gifts, and may custom order more. This made me really happy.

Outfit #2:

Please excuse the terrible lighting; by the time I got home it was too dark to take pictures outside, so I had to do it in my kitchen.

I very much like this skirt.

Outfit #3:

I apologize for not smiling more. Friday was a hard day.

Yay stockings!

I don't know why I want to show them off so badly. I think it may be the stockings. lilyforthewin and I have been enabling each others sock addictions through Sock Dreams.

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 08:33:08 GMT

Someone buy me these, please. Of course, I have absolutely no use for them.

Stuff and blah

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 07:40:04 GMT

I have my urodynamic evaluation tomorrow. I really really don't want to go. It will be an hour of electrodes and catheters going up all of my lower orifices, without sedation. I am very much not looking forward to it. But maybe they will find something interesting/treatable. We'll see.

The ASUC art studio holiday sale is coming up. I am filled with trepidation. I really need to sell some stuff this time. I set up my stuff tomorrow. I also have to volunteer six hours. I am actually looking forward to it, because I'm going to use it as an excuse to get dressed up. How pathetic.

Help with earrings

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 21:34:25 GMT

Dear friends list,
I'm working on a pair of prototype earrings (I call them prototypes, but really that's just an excuse for me to keep them for myself) but there are a few things I can't decide. The people who I usually get to help me with my creative decisions aren't here because of the holiday, so I am turning to you, my trusty friends list, for help.

There are two options for earwires: studs and hooks. I am partial to studs for these, because I feel like it makes them look dressier, which is the look I'm going for. But what do you think?

Here are the studs being worn. Please excuse my face.

The other thing is the symmetry. I originally made them asymmetrical, like this. Then I decided I didn't like it. Then I decided I did. Now I'm in a quandry. Opinions?

Here they are being worn, I'm afraid you can't see them very well.

Things I am thankful for

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:29:30 GMT

1. My friends, who always lift my spirits.
2. My family, who often annoys me, but mostly supports me, and for this I am grateful.
3. Evan, who loves me despite everything.
4. Ray, who is my sunshine.
5. My health insurance. It's crappy, but without it, I'd be dead a few times over by now.
6. The fact that my intestine let up hurting for two days so I could eat Thanksgiving dinner with almost NO PAIN, WAHOO!

Piglet squid on video

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:14:46 GMT

The piglet squid is one of my very most favorite creatures.

Transcription and translation

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:40:44 GMT

My bio professor showed this movie in class the other day. I thought it was kind of neat. It shows how DNA and RNA function in a cell, explaining it in layman's terms.

GES and doctor's visit follow-up

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:48:49 GMT

The gastric emptying-test on Monday was fairly normal, which I could have predicted. I'm tired of having to do these, although I am getting used to eating the eggs. But this is still good news, because it means the stimulator is still working. Eve also checked it with the remote, and it's doing okay, although it still keeps turning itself down to 4.5. She turned it back up to 5. No big deal. I am having a tiny bit of dumping (gastric emptying too fast) but we're going to leave it for now.

I'm still not getting enough calories. Eve wants me to switch from Ensure plus (which is soy based) to Peptamen OS 1.0 (which is whey-based). I actually didn't know that Ensure was soy-based. I thought I'd checked it for soy (which is notoriously hard to digest), but I guess not. Peptamen OS is specifically formulated for people who have digestive issues, intestinal failure, and malabsorption though. She gave me a sample and a coupon and stuff. It's really expensive, and it's made by Nestle, so I'm worried my Nestle-boycotting friends are going to kill me. I still have 30 cans of Ensure left, and I'm not sure what to do with them. I actually tried the Peptamen today, and it's just as gross as Ensure, and it still makes my tummy hurt, but I do think I'll switch anyways, just because whey protein is easier to absorb, and god knows I need all the protein I can get.

Eve also said the episode I had a few weeks ago was very likely a partial physical obstruction, and if it happens again, I need to go to the ER. Blarg.

She also wrote me a prescription for pancreatic enzymes for the malabsorption. My pancreas is okay, actually, but I guess it's standard treatment for malabsorption, even if we don't know where it's coming from. I have mixed feeling about this. I suppose I will try them and see if they help. But they come from pig pancreases and that makes me feel bad. So if I don't notice a difference, I'll stop taking them.

Um, what else. She listened to my tummy, and I guess my lower bowel sounded okay, but my upper gut was feeling sluggish/sleepy, which definitely coincides with my symptoms lately.

We also talked about my blood work from a month ago. She asked if I talked to my GP about it, and I told her I did, but he said I should talk to HER about it, since she was the one who ordered it. We both expressed irritation at that.

See, the problem is, one of the things they checked for was C-reactive protein. CRP isn't a very good specific measurement of anything except inflammation. So generally, they don't really test for it, because you can have a high level of CRP if you have a small infection somewhere. But, normal is from 0-3. My level was 97.8, which means there is severe inflammation going on somewhere. It has been this high fairly consistently for the last few years. This is why Eve thinks I must have an autoimmune disease, and she thinks it's really important to look into. So I'm going to ask the rheumatologist about it the next time I see him (which I should do sometime at the end of this month anyways.) But, I've been tested for the most common autoimmune diseases and markers (Crohn's, UC, RA, lupus, scleroderma, ANA factor, etc.) and they're all normal. Generally, the rheumatologist has wanted to blame it on the GP and CIP, but he doesn't really know anything about them, and they are not inflammatory diseases. So, it's frustrating.

I <3 Eve, she's so awesome. I know she really cares about what's going on with me and how I'm doing.

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:44:44 GMT

I have the day off today and I NEED to do something fun. I don't feel like going to the zoo or any museums. I don't want to haul my manual chair out of the garage and into the car and then have to go around getting glared at by people because I'm young and in a wheelchair. I also don't feel like sitting around playing computer games or watching TV all day. Suggestions?

ETA: Nevermind. I'm too tired to go do anything, even having taken Nuvigil. I'm so tired of this. What's the point of being alive if you can't experience life? I'm so frustrated I could cry.

Busy bits and tids

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:59:52 GMT

Last couple of weeks have been really crazy and stressful. I had four midterms and two doctors appointments, as well as some other, more fun things. Here's the short version of it.

1. About two weeks ago, I got to meet noabsolutes in real life. She is totally cute and awesome and we had a good time.

2. I saw the urologist last week, and the good news is, first stone is gone, and the second stone won't have to be lithotripsied. The radiologist says it was "small," which is irritating, because I'd like to know how small "small" is. Remember my last kidney stone, where they said it was only 2 mm, but it turned out to be 7 mm? Yeah. But I'm just going to try not to worry about it, and hope it comes out easily. The bad news is that I have to have an uncomfortable procedure in about a month to test the muscles of my bladder. They are going to stick things up me and measure pressures. Eek. Hopefully they find something they can treat though.

3. We had fun on Halloween. PIcs to follow.

4. I went to a craft faire in San Jose yesterday. I worked my butt off to make stuff, make tags, labels, etc. And then...nobody came. Seriously. We had less than ten visitors show up. Apparently, it just wasn't adequately publicized. I sold two things to other vendors, which gave me a net profit of $30. Considering all the work I put into prepping, and that I was there for eight hours, this is pretty atrocious. I'm a little frustrated. One on hand, nobody showed up, so I don't feel like people dislike my jewelry or anything, but on the other hand, I'm kind of broke and was really hoping to make some money. They have another one next weekend, which supposedly is going to have higher attendance, since it's at a church after service. The coordinator said I can come back next weekend without paying the fee. I'm not sure if it's worth it. What do you guys think?

5. Another gastric emptying test today, to check up on the stimulator, plus a same-day follow-up with Eve. I'm not feeling well lately, but at this point, I'm not sure there's anything more they can do.

6. I aced all my midterms. I should be more happy about this than I am. I don't know. I've been kind of depressed lately. I think I have convinced myself that no matter what, I'm not going to be able to get a job after I graduate, and that I will die in pain, alone, unloved, and without having really accomplished anything in life. As much as I know this is ridiculous, I can't help it.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 06:47:11 GMT

Dear Maine,
You suck.

What I got up to last friday...

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:38:46 GMT

You can sort of see me. I'm wearing a pinstripe short skirt, long jacket, and fedora, behind the guy in the fishnets and boa.

Balloons

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:06:35 GMT

I had a really hard week last week. For some reason, I want some balloons. I think it's because UP is coming out on DVD soon and that reminded me that balloons are fun. If I get my bio midterm back tomorrow, and if I do well, maybe I will get myself some balloons. Although I will feel pretty silly and slightly pathetic buying them for myself. But I think that'd be a nice little reward for myself.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:21:58 GMT

KUB and CT scan today. Only took about 20 minutes, but they couldn't see my left kidney underneath the stimulator. I'm really irritated about that.

I wrote a little song about planaria, which some of you have seen already, but I want to make a better version and post it.

Evan bought me some very nice pearls in Fiji. I'm trying to figure out what to do with them. I'm so depressed and uncreative lately, it's hard to get inspired.

Glee

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 22:58:33 GMT

I really loved the first episode of Glee and I was really excited to see where it was going.

Unfortunately, it's really gone downhill since then. I'm disappointed to see that the Artie, the disabled kid (who's a fantastic singer) not only never gets a solo, he barely gets any lines. Mercedes (fat, black, sassy stereotype) and Tina (stutter) also don't get enough screen time, or any flushing out as characters. And can we get Kurt a love interest already? I was hoping we'd have some real portrayals of under-represented people, instead of just tokens. But most importantly...

TURN OFF THE DAMN AUTO TUNE.

I do love Jane Lynch though.

Medical update

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:39:08 GMT

Intestine woke me up at 3 with horrible, unusual pain, and vomiting. Believe I may have been experiencing my very first, real live, honest-to-god, physically obstructive episode.

Was finally able to go to the bathroom about half an hour ago, and I'm feeling much better since then, but I'm still in pretty bad pain.

Dilemma: what to do now? Narcotics might just make things worse and I'm always loathe to take laxatives. But I think I'm going to take some dilaudid anyways, so I can make it to school in a few hours.

The rest of my bloodwork came back; Vitamins A and B12 are okay, Vitamin D is a little low. D has been low for me in the past. I find this odd, since I take 1200 IU of it a day, orally, and I do spend a little time in the sun. Eve says not to worry about it too much, or the iron deficiency, since I'm not anemic. It's something we'll have to follow-up on though. She's more worried about the C-reactive protein.

I'm pretty sure the reason why I'm obstructing/partially-obstructing/whatever is that I've been getting 1800 calories a day for the past two days, thanks to Ensure. This is a very good thing, as I am already back up to 100 pounds. I can just wait and hope my body will adjust to it.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:17:19 GMT

Someday I will be a beautiful butterfly...and everything will be better.

Tardigrade dance

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 10:14:19 GMT

I really love lilyforthewin. She found me

Bucket list, stolen from various people.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 23:58:44 GMT

(x) Gone on a blind date
( ) Gave blood (I want to, but am not allowed)
(x) Skipped school
(x) Watched someone die (Do pets count?)
( ) Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Florida
(x) Been to Hawaii Yes, but I was so young, I barely remember it.
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter
(x) Been lost
(x) Gone to Washington, DC
( ) Ridden in a police car
( ) Hugged a homeless person I almost did this the other day, when I was scared and lonely and worried about health stuff. Someone asked me for a dollar and I was tempted to say "Only if I can have a hug." But I didn't.
(x) Swam in the ocean
( ) Swam with stingrays Very much want to.
( ) Been sailing in the ocean Would like to.
(x) Cried yourself to sleep Hasn't everyone?
(x) Played cops and robbers SO MUCH FUN.
( ) Recently coloured with crayons
( ) Ran a marathon And probably never will.
( ) Sang Karaoke
( ) Volunteered at a soup kitchen
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
( ) Seen the northern lights This. Before I die. This.
( ) Been para sailing
(x) Been on TV
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) Fed a Giraffe
( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue Guau.
( ) Fired a gun
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Been to the opera
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Serenaded someone I do this often.
(x) Seen a US President in person Clinton, though he was former President at the time. He touched me!
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
( ) Watched the sunrise with someone
( ) Driven a race car
(x) Been to a National Museum
(x) Been to a wax museum So awesome.
( ) Eaten caviar
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
(x) Lived in more than one country France, when I was five.
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
( ) Seen the Grand Canyon I was there while I was in utero, so it doesn't count.</a>
(x) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(x) Traveled by train
(x) Traveled by motorcycle
(x) Been horse back riding
(x) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(x) Been to Disneyland/Disney world Does Eurodisney count?
( ) Been in a rain forest This, also.
( ) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
(x) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins Didn't swim, but kayaked!
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
(x) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean I can't remember, I may have when I was young.
( ) Been to a Major League Baseball game
( ) Been to a National Football League game And don't really care to.
( ) Swam with sharks
(x) Been White Water Rafting
( ) Written a book or screen play
( ) Been to a Tournament of Roses Parade
( ) Lived in more than one state
( ) Become a parent
( ) Been Bungee Jumping
( ) Been to Vegas I have no desire to.
( ) Been to a minor league baseball game
( ) Worked on a political campaign
( ) Been to the top of the World Trade Center or Empire State Building
(x) Ridden a Subway
( ) Been to your High School Reunion.

Far too few. Time to get on this.

Bits and tids

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 07:01:22 GMT

1. Yesterday at the doctor's office, I got bored waiting for him, and there was a whiteboard in there with all kinds of stuff like "GERD" and "polymyalgia rheumatica?" and "sjögren's" written on it, and um, I may have drawn some stuff on it. Like a piggy. And then a paramecium. And then I wrote "Everyone loves a paramecium!" underneath it, firstly to identify it as a paramecium, secondly, because, well, they do. I also wanted to write "Have you considered mitochondrial disease?" but I got distracted by the fake prostates. Seriously. There were model prostates (this is what your prostate looks like when it gets enlarged!) and there were three sizes and they were squishy and made out of some sort of foam and I poked them and played with them a lot. I was tempted to steal them, but I did not.

2. Tardigrades aka waterbears aka MOSS PIGLETS can survive in space. I did not know that. That is so badass.

3. I have a couple of ideas for back-up costumes if the Red costume doesn't pan out, but I hope I don't have to use them. One is the mad scientist slash Doctor Horrible (more like Horribly sexy, amiright, hurhur) outfit, but I have worn it a LOT recently. And while it is awesome and makes me feel totally hot, I'd like to switch it up a bit. I also have a gangster costume, but I did that already in high school and I kind of want something new.

4. I now have five black and white polka dot dresses. I could wear one to school every day.

5. I am seriously considering buying a white bustier for Halloween and dyeing it red. But I am worried about it turning out right.

6. It is cold and rainy out, which means it is PAJAMA SEASON FOR RAY RAY. He doesn't much appreciate it, but he prefers it over being cold.

Woof. More health stuff.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 06:50:54 GMT

I saw a doctor at my GP yesterday, basically as a formality so I could get a referral to the urologist. I've seen the urologist before, but it's been four years, so I figured I'd better get another referral. So I went and saw Dr. Smith, who I've not met before, but who was nice enough. He talked to me about urologists, and how they are all guys who mostly deal with old men with penis and/or prostate issues. I said I was well-aware of this. You have to be a dick to want to examine dicks all day. I said I wanted to see a urologist and get lithotripsy again. He was vastly impressed that I knew about lithotripsy. I basically said "Honey, you don't know the half of it," and then I explained to him about all my other medical issues. I am getting kind of tired of doing this.

He also told me that men are more prone to kidney stones than women (which I knew) and the reason (which I didn't know) which is that men have more muscle, which utilizes a lot of calcium, which gets filtered by the blood and passed on to the kidneys. I don't have a lot of muscle, but it occurred to me that muscle also contains a lot of mitochondria. I did a quick search on pubmed and there does seem to be a relationship between mitochondrial dysfunction and calcium oxalate stone formation. So that may be another piece of the puzzle. I'm already fairly convinced I have mito at this point.

I also spiked a fever of 100 yesterday, and nobody knows why. It seems to be gone today. Also, the thrush infection is gone. I'm very glad, because it was gross.

Eve called me today to give me my blood results. My hemoglobin is okay, but my iron is really really low. I'm taking a multivitamin that has %100 of my iron needs, so I guess it's just not getting absorbed. The other vitamin tests have not come back yet, perhaps they will give me more clues. The other notable thing was that my C-reactive protein (measure of inflammation) was through the roof. I asked Eve if it could be caused by kidney stones, she said not to this extent. The last time I had my CRP checked was a year ago (it was normal), right after I upped my dose of Octreotide, and my intestine was working better. She also talked to Dr. Snape and he wants me to get worked up for celiac and crohn's again. Sigh and bother. I am going to protest and very possibly stamp my foot and refuse. I don't have celiac symptoms, I've been biopsied and bloodworked for it, and I've also been extensively worked over for crohn's. I really think it'd be a waste of time at this point. But Potions Master and Eve are concerned about what the fuck is going on. I predict there will be more tests soon.

Also, if I have to get lithotripsy, I have to get the neurostimulator turned off first, because it could interfere. What a drag.

My Octreotide shipment is late again because of the stupid pre-auth. We go through this every few months. I called the pharmacy today and they said that they got a pre-auth from the doc, but it was for the WRONG DOSAGE ARG. COME ON PEOPLE THIS IS YOUR JOB. They always seem to fuck this up.

I called my GP today to talk about my bloodwork from yesterday and he called back and left a long rambly message on my voicemail about my bloodwork from the ER (which was mostly normal, except for being overhydrated, because, well, duh, kidney stones) and he said "I hope that icebox in your stomach is still working out okay!" Hee hee.

That's all. More for my benefit than for yours, but I swear to you all, my life is so much more interesting than all this stupid medical shit.